My thoughts on change. As far as 2013 has concerned me so far-

So I’m figuring out that you don’t really need to think to live. I know that might seem obvious or hold little significance normally, but for the longest time Ive been looking back, remembering a person who was filled with thoughts and ideas racing through her head. Now when I sit in my silence, that’s all there is. -Silence. I’m not used to that of course and this habit really kinda snuck up on me. Its especially frustrating i think, mostly due to the fact that my mind, which controls my morals, conscience, confidence, will power, inspiration, and wisdom- has now seemingly malfunctioned. because the thoughts that once raced are now still, and I’m fighting myself trying to realize whether or not i like the silence and whether or not this happened because of something i did wrong. i know its weird but i just don’t understand. Is this a part of becoming an adult? Going from a 15 year old girl to a young woman of 16 years old I suppose its a bit understandable.. or is there something wrong with me? I’m honestly leaning more towards the second choice. Even now as i write this, it feels as though I’m on auto-pilot. avoiding the old habit of rereading and pondering my words and thoughts. carefully evaluating as I move along- which ill add in the past it was something I could have done for hours, and have. But now I’m just letting myself go and not caring how it sounds or worrying about the details. Its like I’m becoming the one thing Ive feared becoming for quite some time -impulsive. The thought of acting without a thorough evaluation of the details, has always rendered itself dangerous in my mind. In fact, it still does. So I think the real question is where is this impulsive attitude coming from?? while i agree Ive gone through a dark period of stress and worry lately, could it really have caused me to ‘shut off’ who i am and how my brain works? More importantly can I come back from it? If not, I only hope to grow from this point onward by finding a new way of functioning even if it means changing my behavior and persona. if drastic change is necessary for me to move forward, then so be it. I want to be better and continue to grow so I can do just that. I’m officially accepting ‘change’ into my life. Starting with more of the word yes and a thousand times less stress than Ive allowed myself in the past. if negative or harmful thoughts are only gonna have a reverse effect upon myself then I’ll make an effort to diminish them and spend time finding things to enjoy for myself and within my relationships with others. But i think the most important thing Ive got to do in order to reach my ‘new self’ is get straight to the bullshit, and address what needs to be addressed. NO MORE tiptoeing around situations and any and all interaction involving other people. Especially the ones closest to me. If its the last thing I accomplish I’m going to find the right change. When a negative ‘feeling’ or thought pops up, then ill question it. If thought is something prominently essential, ill ponder my irrational negativity. Which may even result in peace of mind. As I see it, the only other thinking I need to be concentrating on now, aside from the obvious common sense, is looking at everyday actions from a fresh, quick perspective. asking simply whats right and wrong then making a decision honestly and being ‘REAL’. That’s really all the advice I can give myself for now. For the most part i think.. I feel ready.~

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